Arrogance
Chatting with a friend the other day, let's call him Kevin and talk turned to a mutual acquaintance - let's call him Nigel - and Kevin commented that Nigel was arrogant. This stumped me. Nigel was the least arrogant individual I knew, so I asked Kevin why they thought Nigel was arrogant. 'He is always big noting himself' was the reply.. I couldn't think of an example of this and asked for one. 'Oh you know, he's always talking about complicated stuff, lording it over everyone with weird information and facts about things no one's ever heard of'..
To my thinking this isn't big noting one's self - that happens when someone spouts lists of their achievements in every day conversation for no good reason and I said this. Nigel isn't a name dropper, he doesn't do the 'when I was the head of such-and-such department I met the King of Norway and we watched paint drying' - In fact he'll do everything he can to avoid citing his qualifications or using them as a blunt instrument to add gravity to discussions. (most people who blather about their accomplishments are insecure or resentful, not arrogant - and often their resentment or insecurities are reasonable.. albeit annoying)
But it did make me think of another mutual friend, let's call him Richard.. I asked Kevin what he thought of Richard. He needed prompting, but recalled one particular time when we had all met up and it turned out Kevin quite liked him.
This was interesting as Richard had not said much at the time, but Kevin recalled thinking that although Richard was quiet and didn't contribute much to the conversation aside from throwing in a joke, he seemed very pleasant.
I considered this, and thought about Nigel. Nigel IS an interesting person and one of the rare people who can talk about almost anything. He may have a diametrically opposed point of view to you, but he has enormous respect for other people and will happily engage them in conversation without prejudice, never raising his voice, never resorting to name calling. He reads an astonishing amount and likes to talk to others to learn new things 'Learning is my hobby' seems his mantra, and he finds it enlightening to discuss things with other people, often coming away from discussions with opponents with a new point of view or a clue why others may have formed the idea they hold.
Nigel soaks information and gives it away freely - he is not protective of his knowledge, he doesn't use it to take advantage of others, nor does he clutch it protectively, warding it from others such that he alone is the source of information and others must come to him for it - basically he does not believe that knowledge should be used as power. He does not set himself as The Authority, and gladly surrenders old beliefs when they prove false. A rare person, and as I said before, the LAST person I'd consider to be arrogant.
It turned out Kevin's main problem with Nigel, he said, was that 'he was argumentative'. Nope. This was utterly not the case.
Herein is a strange truth - Nigel talks to others because he respected them and actually wants their opinion. Sometimes he talks about complicated things to the wrong people, but that's because he actually overestimates people. He sees a person, assumes everyone is as bright as he (they're not) and engages tem as an equal. He doesn't debate people, he doesn't argue with people - he truly converses.. with people as equals.
Sometimes people who are ignorant of the subject being discussed take this that Nigel is trying to make them look stupid - Nigel would be aghast at the thought of this. 'no way, he's a bright person, surely he knew what I was talking about!' - or 'ok maybe he didn't know such-and-such, but he could easily pick it up'.. 'so it was not the myth we hear every day, but he could see that once he had the facts'. Nigel really believes this. He genuinely believes humans are intelligent and thinks everyone is clever, dedicated, willing and open to new information - he thinks people appreciate being illuminated and freed from myth, or appreciate finding better ways to do things. Again that's why he talks so willingly with others - he yearns to learn new things, dispel his own myths, and progress.
If it's ever drawn to Nigel's attention that the person he's talking to isn't the brightest candle in the pack, he doesn't care - he truly doesn't value intellect that much, no matter how much he assumes it's present.. We agree on this - it's just one tool in a persons arsenal of survival traits. He's more than happy to learn from anyone (even bugs!) and is convinced everyone is extremely valuable, worthwhile and if he can help them, he will.
Other times people who feel their dogma challenged will retaliate as though Nigel is attacking them. They often have poor communication skills or carry a burden of some sort (they may be used to being 'tricked', they be used to being lied to, or they may simply hold their dogma as zealots) - Nigel occasionally when baited gets into verbal fights, but usually defers to these people .. who treat his back down as a 'win' .. but again, Nigel won't debate people he's conversing with to score 'win points' .. and they should be damned grateful of it .. he is a very capable debater and has the skills to demolish even hard truths - but as I said, he respects people and refuses to take advantage of others. If you actually want to debate him his brain seems to drop to a different gear and become utterly malevolent.. He employs a different skill set, but even then, he doesn't result to name calling or cheap tricks, however he'll use every rule available to him and You Will Not Win.
Richard on the other hand, the one Kevin likes, is actually quite different.
It's true Richard is a quiet person, and this is because he doesn't think people are worth talking to. He believes most people are stupid. He enjoys the company of others however, but this is akin to going to the zoo and watching the monkeys frolic.. He will ask your opinion occasionally (rarely) but this is usually because something someone said amused him and he wants to hear the entire idea out loud - it makes him feel superior to hear silly theories or things that reinforce his opinion that the bulk of humanity is incompetent. He may watch a person floundering with a problem but he'll not step forward to help, he may be aware that someone is going to make an inappropriate purchase but he'll not warn them - it seems almost like he'd rather see out the drama for fun.. or he'll view it as not worth the effort - if they were worth the effort thay'd help themselves, if they can't help themselves they're not worth helping.
This may sound harsh given I consider Richard a friend, but that's just the way it is.. He knows he's arrogant, it's almost a badge of honour to him. Richard and I discuss a lot of things and within the context of what we discuss - maths and sciences usually - we get on well. We can meet, haul out calculators and get straight into it, or he may pull out a circuit diagram and I will get to designing a board to place the components. I like Richard, we get on well - I don't know whether or not he thinks I'm laughably stupid in other areas, but if I ask his opinion on something he gives it. If I say something stupid, he'll provide a differing point of view and I will take it onboard.. I've learned a lot from both Nigel and Richard (and heaps of other people too! - heck, 'my' knowledge is an accumulation of information from everyone I've ever met) and I consider both friends. You can try to debate Richard, I'm sure he's capable of debating, but unlike Nigel he does not rise to the bait .. in his mind it's pointless, humans are a lower life form to him. Why debate an ant?
But it seems people like him, and completely miss his arrogance.. Funny really, it's almost as though liking Richard reinforces his opinion that everyone is utterly stupid and not worth talking to.
Both have formidable intellects, both have every reason to think they're better than many other people (at least in terms of logic, knowledge and intellect) and each have totally different ways in interacting with those around them, strangely though people think the humble one is arrogant while missing the true arrogance of the other.
If the Richard, Nigel or Kevin characters read this and think I'm talking about them, please be assured I am.. and yes, you're all wonderful people who are perfect at being who you are - we need you just the way you are.
and for Jeepsare Chryslers sakes, read Blindsight by Peter Watts.. I'm sick of having no one to discuss it with!
the links to html, pdf and epub versions are at the bottom of him page here.
2:09 p.m. - 2016-02-27
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