We've all heard the joke about how crap Windows is right? the one that asks us to consider what a car would be like if it ran Windows - it goes like this:
At a recent computer expo Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. (see below)
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protect ion fault" warning light.
8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.
Number 7 always made me giggle, as the cryptic, incomprehensible words "general protect ion fault" means that someone elses software was trying to do something stupid, like use memory that was already in use. Apple software probably..
Number 1 was another - but I can understand that. The thing is when Windows crashes a special message is displayed that's only visible to a select group of people. It is called an 'error code' and usually said something like "MSIMN caused an invalid page fault in module DIRECTDB.DLL at 0177:01bf6b9b". Of course this means the average user should simply swear at the computer, reboot it and wait for it to happen again. The special people who can actually SEE these messages only need punch the exact wording into a search engine, track down the precise error described, and follow the simple steps to fix it so it doesn't happen again, but like I said, only a very few rare and special humans are actually capable of seeing these messages.
Number 6 pertains to an optimistic comparison to Apple and states "Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads."
this got me thinking about what a REAL applemobile would be. For a start, you wouldn't get to decided whether you wanted to drive a Ferarri or a Mini, a tractor or a Toyota, a Haulpak or a road train - you get an iMobiler�.
It would be iWhite�.
It will cost the same price from every dealer, and there will be no resale value as with each new release old iMobilers� will be broken by iAutoUpdate�.
iAutoUpdate� will be 5-10 times the size of competitors updates.
The iMobiler� will have one, easy to use control for stoping, starting and steering , and although every other car will be able to outmanouver, outpace and outbrake the iMobiler�, bench test software will PROVE this is not possible.
Modular attachments will be available such as the iBucket� for those wishing to pretend to be a truck, the iTorque� (a trailer hitch for pretend tractor use), the iFast� ( a spoiler, for pretending to be a race car) and the iTraveller (a large rubber band to connect the front and back wheels, making it "4x4")
The average iMobiler� buyer will be delighted to the point of wetting themselves when they buy the latest model. This will last until a new iMobile� model is announced, at which point drivers will queue for days to be the first to get the new model - which will be the same as the old one but it will be in the new iEnviro-color� range.. it will be iGreen�
It will not be able to use a regular fuel bowser.
The iMobile� will run on magic pixie dust (actually regular unleaded, but as it'll come out of a 'special interface' subsequently rumours will circulate and eventually some Apple� exec will confirm the pixie dust rumour, at which point it will be named a proprietary product, iPixieDust� and Apple will begin legal actions against all unleaded manufacturers because Apple invented iPixieDust� after all.. )
There will be no air bag - Apple� has decided you do not need one. It will not be available as an option.
Installing a magic tree will cause the iAutoUpdater� to brick your iMobiler�. Apple fans will defend this action to the teeth, stating the user was clearly in breach of the 2 point font EULA printed on the tread of the front right iTire� If the EULA wore off, it's the users own stupid fault..
The iMobiler� will not be able to take advantage of free fuel offers, free windshield replacements or free seat covers - but users will claim they wouldn't use these free things anyway as they ALL contain bacteria or viruses or something.
Drivers will crow over their zero chance of road accidents, as no accidents effect the iMobiler�. Head on collisions, fender-benders and rollovers will not be considered accidents any more than web bugs, stack overloads and trackers can be considered computer viruses. These will merely be 'unusual occurences'.
iMobilers� will only be owned by certain windswept and exotic types of people who don't need complications in their lives. (There will be no stick shift.)
11:26 a.m. - 2011-09-19
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